i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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