his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
