how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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