If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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