I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
