No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
