How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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