Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
