I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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