Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
