speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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