I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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