I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Randomize
