i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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