I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
