She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
