that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
