you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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