soooo we both peed the bed last night...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
