at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
