so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
