Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
