VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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