had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
