Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
