just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
