We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
