I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
