I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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