There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
