boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
