He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
