I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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