I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
