Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
