the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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