A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
