Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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