i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
