Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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