I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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