Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
