Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am midnight drunk by noon
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm getting married
To pizza
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
