so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
