i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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