if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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