I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
