If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
