i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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