TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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