she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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