I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
