I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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