So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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