so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
