listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
