I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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