Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize