I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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