She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
