I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Panties = found
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize