clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
