i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
