Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
